In my mind I am eloquent; I can climb intricate scaffolds of words to reach the highest cathedral ceilings and paint my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, everything collapses
I’m hooking up with this guy and I know that he’s with other girls. The thing is I’m not with any other guys and it feels uneven. After we hook up I feel so lonely and like I don’t mean anything. I know those feelings are mine, not anything he’s given me, but still. What should I do?
Stop hooking up with him.
1. The first time his fingerprints show up on your throat like a black and blue necklace, you told everyone he had taken you shopping. 2. You say, This love is skin deep. 3. You were proud of the bruises, the ankle bracelets, the dangling circles around your wrists like overly large promise rings— I promise I’ll never stop loving you. 4. The second time it happened you convinced yourself he liked to make you handmade things, close the clasp himself. 5. But now you avoid mirrors, knowing you can’t explain away all those bouquets of bruises: He loves me. He loves me not. 6. You name the garden on your body after him. You want to be God for a moment and ban him like Adam and Eve. 7. When he hands you the box, you untie the ribbon, hold your breath, pray for an actual piece of jewelry. Instead, he lodges a diamond in your throat. 8. You wonder if this is what love is supposed to be like. You want to empty your jewelry box. You want to sell everything. 9. You close your eyes when he fucks you, batters away at you. When he draws a chastity belt between your hips. When he swallows the key.
81-year-old Joy Tomkins of Downham Market, Norfolk, UK, says, “I do not want to be half dead, I want to be fully dead. I’m afraid the medical profession will, with the best of intentions, keep me alive when I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to lie for hours, months or even years before dying. I do not want to end up as a vegetable. I don’t want my family to remember me as a lump. That is why I got the tattoo. I don’t have a death wish…”
Corvo Attano and The Outsider - Dishonored By A.J. Hateley